Murder Shirt

Today was a butcher day. When you raise food for meat, you have these days. They aren't always easy, and I tend to compartmentalize to get through the day. I might look nonchalant from the outside, or even flippant about it, but pay no mind, I don't like taking a life.

So this morning, getting ready to go set up then gear for a chicken and duck butcher day - I made a comment in my head (am I the only one who is always talking to themselves in their head? I hope not...)

My brain said to itself this morning "Ok, grab some socks and some underwear and your murder shirt...."

WHAT?

Yeah - this shirt does gross things...

Yeah, that was my internal dialogue this morning. I mostly set up the gear in the morning by myself, so I had plenty of time to consider this mental discourse with myself even further.

Now, it is true, I have certain clothes I only wear on butcher days. Some old yucky t-shirts, a couple pair of gross old pants with rips in the butt, and a sweatshirt I don't think much of. These clothes get bloody, muddy, wet, and sometimes stained with bile. These clothes are not for any other purpose. But never EVER before had I ever referred to my yucky t-shirts as a MURDER shirt.

But yeah, I took lives today. Maybe it was weighing on my that I was butchering ducks today. I have an order in which processing meat gets harder and harder. Meat chickens? easiest. These birds typically are very young, and don't have much of a personality. It's still taking a life, but it is their sole purpose to grow up and become food. If I don't process them at the right time, they have heart attacks and die. It's kinder and gentler for them to be processed humanely.

Turkeys come next. They are silly, they are goofy, and they eat and poop a lot. They are a little harder to say goodbye to. But again, they are here for that very reason. And getting to be a part of peoples' holiday celebrations is special, too and helps me get through that tough weekend, too.

Ducks are even harder. Chances are, all the ducks are hatched right here on the farm. And they seem to be a LOT more aware that something awry is going on. They just give me looks that make me feel very guilty.

Sheep are the hardest. They are all born here, I know their mamas very well, and I name each one of them. I hold them the day they are born. Saying goodbye to them is the hardest.

But I don't want to think of myself as a murderer. But apparently there is some hidden guilt. We did 12 chickens and 6 ducks today. No one helps me with the ducks, they are so hard to pluck. So I work alone. And I felt bad today. I apologized to the birds, I told them they did nothing wrong, I told them they were good and that I loved them. But I have too many ducks, and too many drakes, and come spring, things will get hard for my hens if I have too many drakes. I'm not apologetic about raising animals for food. I feed families. And I care about my animals.

But clearly the guilt is there. I don't cry on butcher days like I used to. But clearly there are still feelings. And that old shirt? It's not a murder shirt. It's my butcher day shirt. Yes, I am intentionally taking a life. But it's not murder. It's not done out of malice or anger. It's done with intention. It's done with care. And it's done with a full understanding of what I am doing.